The Graduates

Two in my immediate family earn academic degrees within the next ten days. Chris graduates from Seattle Pacific University with a bachelor's degree in Educational Ministry this weekend and Denny graduates from U.W. School of Law a week later. When Denny entered Law School in the fall 2005, we realized that both he and Chris would celebrate this rite of (academic) passage together in June 2008. The date seemed a long way off at the time. And now we are here, in the moment when they receive much deserved accolades and diplomas to document their achievements. How many fathers and sons experience this rare convergence?

I am so proud of Chris and Denny. They have worked hard for these accomplishments. The road hasn't always been easy but both have persevered and arrived at the place where they will be honored by their respective schools and by loved ones who care deeply about their success and happiness. As my Dad has said countless times as a high school principal introducing graduating senior classes, "They are worthy and well qualified."

To these two most treasured men in my life: Congratulations on a job well done!

I love you!

Paycheck to Paycheck

Laura and I shared a girl's night out Monday evening taking in dinner and Sex and the City (fun movie by the way). True to the HBO series, the movie was punctuated by Carrie Bradshaw's running commentary with her ever familiar phrases like, "I had to wonder...." and "Meanwhile....". I've always liked that about the show; Carrie seems to translate all of life's events into fodder for her writing.

My own "I had to wonder...." thoughts often come to me in the car as I drive, usually on my way to work through downtown city streets. Today was rainy, chilly, misty and my thoughts took me back to the Yoga Weekend. And then, that thought morphed quickly into my walk from car to building yesterday morning. I must have had a quick, light step because a critical care doc walking behind me said, "Good morning, Doctor Kate; you seem quite energetic today". Indeed. I shared that I had spent the weekend at a yoga retreat and he remarked, "Ahhh, no wonder." A few more shared words about how such a treat might re-arrange the stuck, trodden down, rote ways and enliven the spirit (he got it) transpired between us. But then he knowingly mused, "This too shall pass."

Yep this too has passed. Far too quickly the bits of magic from my weekend float away from my grasp and into the archives of my mind resting in the folder entitled "the peace that was". Perhaps they will burst forth again, allowing me to harness the benefits of those days of rejuvenation. I seem to have blown the entire wad in one day. I have to wonder, why do I live from emotional paycheck to emotional paycheck? Why can't I get a decent balance in the account so it doesn't go dry so fast? I already know the answer: the deposits need to keep on coming in even if they are small and more importantly, the withdrawals need to slow way down.

P.S. This is my 200th post on Ahead of the Wave. I'm proud of that. I also know that each post is a deposit of sorts into that account that nourishes my soul.

Yoga Retreat

Three days and two nights sequestered in the woods of Whidbey Island this weekend for a women's yoga retreat offered the chance for renewal of mind and body as well as connection with natural beauty. I signed up and paid for this retreat months ago, before I let myself think too much about the cost or the time commitment. This was clearly the right choice because the hours away were pure tonic; necessary, rejuvenating, and healthy.

The Whidbey Institute, a gorgeous venue for this retreat, provided nourishment in the form of beautiful surroundings and fabulous vegetarian cuisine (I felt virtuous and healthy) as well as cozy accommodations. My little room in the "Farmhouse" was the size of a closet but had everything I needed, including a down comforter and a window with a view of tall pines. The grounds, lush with new spring growth, offered constant invitation with paths leading deep into the woods. Wildlife was abundant, especially birds whose song was near constant, beginning pre-dawn and heard until dusk. The air felt fertile with the promises of spring, fresh and new.

This group of 22 women, guided by our amazing instructor Lee, made a journey together, harnessing the benefits of this most peaceful place. Our yoga practices were the structure around which the other wonderful moments developed; exploration of the grounds, chatting around wooden tables as we fueled our bodies with delicious food, enjoying a sweat in the sauna, a meditative walk through the outdoor labyrinth, a fire at dusk on Saturday evening, and countless other treasured memories. The yoga experience included focus on the second (sacral) and fourth (heart) chakras, pranayama breathing practices (held in the beautiful sanctuary building), guided meditation, asana and luxurious, indulgent shavasana. I'm happy to report that my bum knee was well behaved, helped by a tight ace wrap. I kept up with most of the moves and could sit cross legged for meditation. Aspirin and naprosyn eased the journey. I overheard others saying the same so didn't feel alone with my creaky joints and over-stretched muscles.

The labyrinth was unlike any I have ever walked; rustic, wild. At once disheveled in appearance by tall grasses and weeds, the path led us boldly into the center and back out again. Created from an orderly arrangement of black rocks in the style of the labyrinth at Chartres Cathedral, the path was covered with wood shavings which invited bare feet. This labyrinth was untamed, sacred, yet playful in its unevenness. Many in our group had never walked a labyrinth and I enjoyed hearing their fresh, new comments. "A metaphor for life"; "All of us walking the same path but in different ways"; "A longer walk than I had thought". All this makes me wonder (again) how I could create my own smaller version in the backyard. I've nurtured this dream for years but have always come up with reasons to talk myself out of any action. I wonder.... I'm especially encouraged by a labyrinth that does not have to be prim, proper and trimmed to be effective. I don't think I'm up for that sort of deliberate maintenance (unless caring for it became a mediation practice of sorts).

My favorite parts of the weekend? I have two. The first was filling a small bag that Lee gave each of us with "ten items from nature". We used this series of ten, tokens plucked from the earth, for a tender meditation Sunday morning in the sanctuary, an exercise that strengthened our awareness of the fundamental connection and interdependence of all things natural. My items were all once living things (no stones). I wasn't sure what to do with this carefully selected group of ten after the weekend retreat; I brought the small bag home with me as a remembrance. One was a fragile brilliant blue robin's egg that I found in two pieces while combing the wilds of the property. Although the egg was my surprise in the group of ten, the simple three leaf clover (now wilted), the moss covered bark, and the group of tiny pine cones were desperately beautiful as well.

My second favorite moment(s) came with the opportunity to listen intently and move as we wished (or not) to Jennifer Berezan's hauntingly gorgeous CD, Returning early Saturday evening. Lying on the hardwood floor of the studio hearing the continuous chant, as recorded in the Oracle Chamber in the Hypogeum in Malta (renowned as a sacred space with impressive acoustics) brought me out of my stillness and into interpretive dance mode. I moved until I could no more and then relaxed back into the floor to the unending chant of "Returning, returning, returning; to the the Mother of us all". This is fodder for another blog; the message resonates deeply.

Transitioning back into my everyday life yesterday afternoon was fairly smooth; it felt a bit odd to drive my car again, to see so many people out and about, doing their own thing, to visit with Mom and Dad and to share in brief what my weekend had been. And today, I head back to work for a few days with the hope that I will carry within my heart the bits of joy, wisdom, peace, and compassion that bubbled forth, a reminder that it takes more than eyes to really "see".

Addendum 6/6/08....

Lee just emailed this photograph of our yoga group taken after the last class and before our final lunch together. We look relaxed, mellow, and restored don't we?

Getting to the Root

I had thought the so-called "Five Whys" came from Kaizen thinking (Japanese for the process of continuous quality improvement) and perhaps it does. I just can't find the documentation for this right now and don't want to waste time with further research. As someone who has lived the concepts of Kaizen in the workplace over the last 5 years, one of the teachings that is said to lead to the root cause of any problem is asking "Five Whys". Start with a problem question like: "Why are we losing business?" or "Why is our office so disorganized?" and answer the question thoughtfully but quickly (not a ton of analysis, please). Then, whatever the answer may be, go ahead and ask "Why?" again and answer that question until there have been Five Whys and Five Answers. When you get to the fifth answer, you have arrived at the root. The root contains the key to change and success, or so say the believers.

I've tried this approach a few times and sometimes it is helpful. Rarely can I figure out what to do with the answer to the fifth question, the so-called crux of the problem. My M.O. is to be quite skilled at getting to the root but miserable at repairing, fixing, or attacking the fundamental problem. But on a positive note, some famous persons have said, "You can't change what you don't acknowledge". (Dr. Phil, for one) so perhaps I am on the path and will get there eventually.

Case in point.....today I tried the "Five Whys" and was flummoxed (great word) by the fact that it only took two questions to get the root of this conundrum. Of course I wasn't the one answering the questions....someone else took that role. There was no hope of asking another "why?" after the answer to the second question burst forth. Considering the source, I do NOT take offense. This is our usual banter back and forth; we've been together longer than we have not.

She, lying in bed asked of him: "Why am I so miserable?"

"Because you're crazy.", he answered.

"Why am I crazy?", she asked.

"Because of genetics.", he stated.

Case closed. Lest my blood relatives raise an eyebrow or two, don't. Consider the source. The pot is calling the kettle black. If I were playing with the "Five Whys" it might go like this....

1.Why am I so miserable?

Because I'm doing what I don't want to be doing.

2.Why am I doing what I don't want to be doing?

Because I feel like I have to.

3. Why do I feel like I have to?

Because I feel guilty if I don't.

4. Why do I feel guilty?

Because it's my destiny.

5. Why is it my destiny?

Because I am my mother.

Revelation!! Ding Ding Ding!!! This is the same root as "genetics"; it just took me 5 questions to get there.

Good thing I'm off to a three day Women's Yoga Retreat today. I won't be posting this weekend. I'll be in balasana or shivasana and learning again how to be my own person.

What Is This?

What would you think if a young man, a fellow student of my daughter's at college, gifted her with a black and gold length of cloth, infused with the scent of sandalwood and told her that he would "show her how to put it on"? This "garment" was one of many gifts she received from friends on her 20th birthday after an evening dining at a local restaurant. This gift made her uncomfortable; she offered her thanks but packed the piece away feeling uncertain about why he would gift her with this item; perhaps too personal for their relationship? Was it a Muslim hijab, she wondered? Apparently this would not have been totally out of the question in this setting. I know no further details.

In the process of unpacking all of her "stuff" from school, the gift reappeared, ripe with the scent of sandalwood. I'm not exactly sure what this piece represents; from my reading a hijab is typically a square piece of cloth and this one is about 5 feet by 2 feet, obviously an oblong. Probably it is a neck scarf or a shawl. She wants nothing to do with this gift so it now belongs to me; I wasn't ready to put it in the Goodwill box just yet. I'm fascinated because I'm trying to piece together bits of information like the who, what, why stuff but details extract slowly from the source. Plus, I like the scent. Sandalwood always takes me back to my early teenage years in Aruba when my friends and I burned sandalwood incense constantly and dreamed of far off and mystical places where a princess might lounge, stretched out on a chaise long cooled by servants waving large fans made of colorful ostrich feathers.

But, back to this "piece"....whatever it is and whatever its intent, I'll keep it for now and acknowledge that like many things in life, it raises more questions than it answers.

Virginia

May 28, 1914 - April 25, 2003

If Virginia Maher were alive today, she would be celebrating her 94th Birthday. Born in 1914, she died in April 2003 just short of her 89th Birthday. I remember her last birthday party; over Memorial Day Weekend 2002. We celebrated at our home and were fortunate to have quite a gathering of the clan; Kathy, Maureen, and Denny and four of Virginia's grandchildren (Chris, Laura, Lisa, and Carolyn). I remember the brilliant fuchsia rhododendron in our back yard in full bloom much as it is today in this photograph, glistening in the mid-day light of late spring. The weather that day was gorgeous and we have several photographs of the family posing in front of this beauty. We couldn't know that this would be her last birthday party but nonetheless we celebrated as if deep down we knew.

It's hard to believe that Virginia has been gone for five years; in some ways it seems longer and in others, shorter. Several weeks after she died, on Mother's Day 2003, we planted a small lilac bush in our front yard in her honor. The fragrant pale purple blossoms always erupt at this time of year; another visual reminder of the passing years and another opportunity to remember the wonderful person who is missing from our lives.

Virginia was ever patient and loving with our children; despite all of Chris and Laura's antics, she never once implied they were ill behaved, "spoiled", or out of control although many times they were just that! She was a thoughtful house guest in our home and a terrific hostess when we spent time with she and E.J. in Sequim. She could cook an incredible meal complete with salad, main course, sides, bread, and dessert; and always insisted we take home half of the leftovers. She loved to reminisce and I recall fondly the time we spent several hours going through her old photo albums. Blessed with a great memory for detail, she always had a story to tell about this person or that location. She was also blessed with the keenest sense of hearing that I've ever witnessed in an older person; a pin could drop and she'd hear it. We never got away with anything if it involved the spoken word!

As a mother-in-law, Virginia navigated this role with amazing grace. She was kind, generous, and loving to me from the very first moments. I was welcomed into the "house of Maher" with eager acceptance, respect, and admiration. Never once did she criticize my choices but was always there as a sounding board for support in times of need. She could empathize with almost any complaint of mine but could then turn around and point out some way to look at it in a brighter light. As her health declined and her memory began to fade, she still valued her family above all else. She had her priorities clearly defined and never wavered.

I miss Virginia and think of her often. We shared many celebrations through the years, all involving great food. When May 28th rolls around each year, our tradition is to eat out at one of her favorite local restaurants in Shoreline. Spiro's Pizza and Pasta restaurant was a place she and Denny enjoyed on countless occasions over the last years of her life. And so today, Denny, Laura, and I will partake of great pizza at Spiro's and remember. Here's to you, Virginia!

Conundrum

I get it; I've always gotten it. But I haven't allowed myself to really admit the truth. What they don't need is me running around buying "essentials" like beer, chocolate drinks, candy, fingernail files, and Clorox wet wipes. What they don't need is me transporting them to doctor's appointments, foot care appointments, dental appointments, hair appointments and the like. Granted, all these goods and services are critical but they fall under the umbrella of care giving and someone else could perform these tasks. But, it costs money to reassign these functions to others; lots of money. Trying to be careful of costs, these mindless tasks become my relationship to them; I focus on a to-do list that is rote, repetitious, and woefully lacking in creativity yet hugely time consuming and depleting.

What they do need is a daughter. They need a daughter who will really visit when she comes in the room, who is present for them, who shares her life and listens to theirs; who eats meals with them in the dining room and takes them on outings. We need to be on the road; eating out occasionally, going to the mall to check out the sales, drinking coffee at Tullys or Krispy Kreme, eating ice cream at Baskin-Robbins, visiting Arapahoe; the options are endless. They are bored beyond belief and who can blame them when they stay couped up in small spaces for days on end without a break. They lack a view of the real world out there, replete with its beauty, raw energy, and the obvious but oft forgotten realization that there are people of all ages out and about doing their thing every day of every week, every hour of the day. A daughter does these things. But this daughter can only muster the energy for the goods and services that make the cake. The icing never happens.

We had a good talk about these things today; they get it and I get it. No solutions discovered, just an honest rendering of how it is. I can't feel bad about this state of affairs; it just is. But when I see them just sitting there and know that I could be creative with my time instead of in dead zone, wandering up and down the aisles of Fred Meyer, I wonder about my priorities. I have no answers right now.