Conundrum

I get it; I've always gotten it. But I haven't allowed myself to really admit the truth. What they don't need is me running around buying "essentials" like beer, chocolate drinks, candy, fingernail files, and Clorox wet wipes. What they don't need is me transporting them to doctor's appointments, foot care appointments, dental appointments, hair appointments and the like. Granted, all these goods and services are critical but they fall under the umbrella of care giving and someone else could perform these tasks. But, it costs money to reassign these functions to others; lots of money. Trying to be careful of costs, these mindless tasks become my relationship to them; I focus on a to-do list that is rote, repetitious, and woefully lacking in creativity yet hugely time consuming and depleting.

What they do need is a daughter. They need a daughter who will really visit when she comes in the room, who is present for them, who shares her life and listens to theirs; who eats meals with them in the dining room and takes them on outings. We need to be on the road; eating out occasionally, going to the mall to check out the sales, drinking coffee at Tullys or Krispy Kreme, eating ice cream at Baskin-Robbins, visiting Arapahoe; the options are endless. They are bored beyond belief and who can blame them when they stay couped up in small spaces for days on end without a break. They lack a view of the real world out there, replete with its beauty, raw energy, and the obvious but oft forgotten realization that there are people of all ages out and about doing their thing every day of every week, every hour of the day. A daughter does these things. But this daughter can only muster the energy for the goods and services that make the cake. The icing never happens.

We had a good talk about these things today; they get it and I get it. No solutions discovered, just an honest rendering of how it is. I can't feel bad about this state of affairs; it just is. But when I see them just sitting there and know that I could be creative with my time instead of in dead zone, wandering up and down the aisles of Fred Meyer, I wonder about my priorities. I have no answers right now.