Slipping Under

Staying true to my personal metaphor of "the wave", I'm slipping under. Correction: beyond slipping; I am under the wave. Isn't it said that somewhere beneath the crashing froth of the surface, there is some calm? Maybe yes, maybe no. For me right now slipping under is anything but an acquiescence. Things keep happening that have pulled me under. And right now the water below the surface is chaotic and unpredictable (another irregularly irregular experience). There is no riding ahead of the wave; that state of being is not in my future just now and I have to wonder if it ever has been these last 18 months. A dream, a goal: that's what ahead of the wave means right now.

On the one hand is my 90 year old mother. On the other hand is my 20 year old daughter. 70 years separate the two and I stand between them. Both are in need of my energies as though I am the one and only who can provide what they need. Thank God for dedicated caregivers for Mom and for a second parent (thank you Denny) for my youngest. Were it not for help, I'd be in the asylum today.

At this moment, things are calming below the wave. Mom had a good night's rest after finally getting the proper night time pills. A SNAFU with medications led to a disastrous day yesterday with mounting anxieties which forced two round trips up north to Crista, burning gasoline. When I arrived the second time at 8:15 PM, she had fallen into a deep and peaceful sleep (finally) and caregiver Kari had ministered to both Mom and Dad's needs with gentleness and compassion. They both love her and so do I. Kari and I sat on the couch and whispered stories and updates about "the situation" for 45 minutes. I value her observations. As the daughter I may think I'm getting accurate updates from the sources themselves but I don't see the bigger picture. Obviously. Mom and Dad are not where they need to be right now.

I'm grateful that MM and John are taking the lead on the "next step" for Mom and Dad's care. I am overwhelmed with the day to day slogging through and unable to imagine anything but what we already have in place. There is no fuel left in me for creative thought on this issue. I need help; have asked and have received.

On the opposite pole, my energetic youngest, although advancing by leaps and bounds into the world of adulthood, still benefits from and snags my hands-on attention from time to time; like NOW. No details to be revealed but at 3 AM I got my weary bones out of my bed and lay next to the bed of my dearest daughter. I have forgotten what it feels likes to lie on the floor on a yoga mat; thank God for clonazepam as I did fall asleep, finally.

What's hard is steering the course between the many and varied needs of those I love. Granted, I'm a sucker for the "hold my hand" requests but I challenge those faced with the same or similar scenarios to behave differently. If you can, you are definitely riding the wave better than I. Today dawns a new day. And tonight I begin "on-call" duties for the three day weekend ahead. I dare not ponder what adventures in doctoring will be tossed my way; one never ever knows.