Although he's out of the hospital, my Dad is not doing well. He's weak. He looks tired. Today when I stopped by to see him, the usual sparkle in his eyes was gone. He was flat and clearly not feeling up to any visiting. He didn't respond much to my questions and didn't seem to care if I was there or not.
This is all very atypical for Dad.
When I last saw him, three days ago on his Birthday, the big 95, he was in his hospital bed but looked considerably better and was far more animated.
What does it all mean? Will he rally? Will he not?
I know he's lived a long, rich life. Very few people make it to this age. None of this matters when the thought of losing him looms large. I scream inside: "I don't want to let him go. I'm not ready yet."
I'm scared but can't do anything to fix this situation. I'm strangely calm tonight but my thoughts keep coming back to that core of worry and dread. Is this his time?
We're planning a small party tomorrow afternoon in lieu of the bigger bash which was cancelled due his hospitalization. I'm still sad about the missed opportunity to celebrate (big) with him and the rest of the local family. But, as he said, "We never know what tomorrow will bring."
Tonight I wonder what tomorrow or the next day or the day after that will bring. These are critical days for Dad. He will either rally or, he won't. I'm not ready. I'm not ready. I'm not ready.