No question about it; these last few months have sucked the wind from my sails leaving me with an image in the mirror that makes me turn away quickly; I don't like what I see. She's beaten down, tired out, and aging fast.
It started in 2006 and we are well into 2009. Almost three years of a roller coaster ride of emotion, pain of loss, need for physical stamina and hands-on attention, and never ending lessons that leave me feeling that all of us could have done this "better". I can't fault myself or my family; we just didn't know. We had no idea what the phenomenon of end of life aging was all about until we lived it, breathed its unpredictability, and negotiated with forces stronger than all of us combined. No matter money. No matter street savvy. No matter a nubbin of experience (being a doctor). No matter consultation and "best advice".
So what is it that I want from this place of not-so-quiet desperation?
The sad fact is, I can't even say. Because, I don't have a clue. I've learned not to wish for specifics or even generalities because if it's not in the cards, it's just not in the cards. This is a wave that (likely) requires less steering and more surrender. Ahhh, that fine line that I continue to explore.