Brain Freeze

Maybe it's a form of writer's block. Maybe it's just the natural ebb and flow of creative ideas which would place me squarely in a low ebb right about now. Whatever it may be, I'm struggling to post and am dredging my mind for something, anything worthy of my time and energy and yours as well. Why is writing all of a sudden so tough?

I know from the deepest place that I'm struggling because I feel so uncertain about everything in my life right now. I feel like a cork bobbing in the currents, devoid of any control over my destination or the journey. I'm being moved about, sometimes gently, sometimes harshly all over the friggin' map.

Physically, my back is acting up; in knots and spasms. After some tests showed nothing significant, doc gave me a muscle relaxer to try. It works but it also makes me so drowsy that I'm far more interested in lying in bed than in writing or reading.

Mentally, I'm slowly coming to grips with Miss Laura being overseas for the next eight months. She's on her own and she's obviously ready but my anxieties don't quit just because I try to remind myself of these facts on a daily basis. I worry.

I'm also facing the deaths of my parents, each day a bit closer to the end. As I see the time pass, I grieve for their losses in physical and mental stamina and I know it will only get worse. I suspect that when one goes, the other one won't be far behind. No matter the preparation, their deaths will be very tough for me. I hate myself for not taking advantage of the time left, by not being fully present for them. Sometimes I can do it; often I can't and visits are so difficult for me. Then comes the guilt and sadness knowing that soon they'll be gone and I'll be left wishing I had done differently by them.

My work weighs heavily on my mind, the uncertainty of where I'll be in a year, and just what I would do if I didn't have to work. Unfortunately, I'm in a place where I see nothing blooming on the horizon, nothing exciting. I'm stuck with a job that saps my energy even when it's only part time. What happened?

No wonder I'm struggling to write creatively when my mind is consumed by dark issues and a sore back to boot. I may just acknowledge my long streak of posting every day since July 19th and lay low for a few days until some creative thoughts emerge from the deep. I've been told by someone wise that I need to trust. That's a tough one for me but obviously the key. Trust that whatever happens, I'll be able to weather the storm.

At least the cork in the current analogy keeps my head above water most of the time. Corks don't stay submerged for long. I'll post again soon.