All who say with sincerity, "I never want to be a burden to my family [when I get old]", need acknowledge that success is predicated on a plan, a meticulous and thoughtful plan.
So true. If my history with "best laid plans" is any indication, I think I should plan to forego the making of a plan. As you have said before, Kate, we do the best we can.
Are you referring to financial planning that would allow for professional care, as needed? Having enough money, so that if people become disabled, they can afford skilled nursing care and so on?
I agree that early planning is often the only way. And all the predictions are that the burgeoning population of baby boomers, overall, is not well prepared to pay for their future (in some cases, imminent) medical needs.
But what strikes me about the quote is that when people love each other, illness that leaves the intellect intact can cause a patient feel like he/she is a burden to loved ones even if money is not an issue.
For those patients who are compromised by Alzheimer's or other illness that compromises cognitive function, it is this sort of illness that many feared.
Loving someone means seeing the need to respond to physical and emotional demands as an opportunity to demonstrate love. And accepting the needed help is a way of returning love.
Sounds lovely. In reality, it can be very difficult for many.
Even with good financial planning - which, thankfully, my parents achieved - it is still an incredible burden.
I watch my mother, who is blessed with a good financial situation but who is miserable otherwise. She has no friends, no interests; although now she is visited every day by her children and grandchildren, she talks only about herself and her painful body. She observes society and the world only for the purpose of criticizing others. (being fair here - she criticizes people she doesn't know, those she sees on TV. She is not critical of us - but rather very grateful)
There must be other aspects of aging care to include in a plan, but I am not sure I can pinpoint any.
Could it include things like - exercise and keep your body strong in your middle years, so you're less likely to be vulnerable in your older years?
Mentally - create friends, network, find joys that will occupy you even when your ability to move and travel is limited?
Philanthropy - reach out and give back to the world, so you can reap the reward, and feel the satisfaction of helping someone else achieve something?
Just make a habit of being interested in other people?
Practice enjoying life's experiences, big and small, so that you won't end up sitting alone in a room, boring someone to tears with your pinched and negative observations on life, rejecting any closeness or feeling.
Sorry to sound bitter. I visited my MIL this weekend, who is my mother's age. What a contrast. My MIL is funny, engaged, loves art and music and watching old movies; she jokes, acts silly, reaches out....
Great comments everyone! I agree that financial planning is one thing. The other is making sure that family knows that if you become demented, out-of-it, paranoid, and needy that he/she would never expect his/her children to fundamentally give up their own happiness to constantly tend to their unhappiness.
I plan to make it clear to my 2 children that they can just do the best by me that the can and then just let it go; I'll stew in my own juice until I'm ready to go and I want them to know it's NOT THEIR PROBLEM to make me happy.
And the retention of one's marbles, which is something I haven't figured out how to plan for, being childless (the assumption is that children will be most invested in caring for you when you can't think for yourself, or care to employ the plan set up when one could still think).
Very interesting topic, and good to read the commenters views on this too.
So true. If my history with "best laid plans" is any indication, I think I should plan to forego the making of a plan. As you have said before, Kate, we do the best we can.
ReplyDeleteAre you referring to financial planning that would allow for professional care, as needed? Having enough money, so that if people become disabled, they can afford skilled nursing care and so on?
ReplyDeleteI agree that early planning is often the only way. And all the predictions are that the burgeoning population of baby boomers, overall, is not well prepared to pay for their future (in some cases, imminent) medical needs.
But what strikes me about the quote is that when people love each other, illness that leaves the intellect intact can cause a patient feel like he/she is a burden to loved ones even if money is not an issue.
For those patients who are compromised by Alzheimer's or other illness that compromises cognitive function, it is this sort of illness that many feared.
Loving someone means seeing the need to respond to physical and emotional demands as an opportunity to demonstrate love. And accepting the needed help is a way of returning love.
Sounds lovely. In reality, it can be very difficult for many.
With hope, Wendy
A plan. Yep, I want one of those.
ReplyDeleteEven with good financial planning - which, thankfully, my parents achieved - it is still an incredible burden.
ReplyDeleteI watch my mother, who is blessed with a good financial situation but who is miserable otherwise. She has no friends, no interests; although now she is visited every day by her children and grandchildren, she talks only about herself and her painful body. She observes society and the world only for the purpose of criticizing others. (being fair here - she criticizes people she doesn't know, those she sees on TV. She is not critical of us - but rather very grateful)
There must be other aspects of aging care to include in a plan, but I am not sure I can pinpoint any.
Could it include things like - exercise and keep your body strong in your middle years, so you're less likely to be vulnerable in your older years?
Mentally - create friends, network, find joys that will occupy you even when your ability to move and travel is limited?
Philanthropy - reach out and give back to the world, so you can reap the reward, and feel the satisfaction of helping someone else achieve something?
Just make a habit of being interested in other people?
Practice enjoying life's experiences, big and small, so that you won't end up sitting alone in a room, boring someone to tears with your pinched and negative observations on life, rejecting any closeness or feeling.
Sorry to sound bitter. I visited my MIL this weekend, who is my mother's age. What a contrast. My MIL is funny, engaged, loves art and music and watching old movies; she jokes, acts silly, reaches out....
Great comments everyone!
ReplyDeleteI agree that financial planning is one thing. The other is making sure that family knows that if you become demented, out-of-it, paranoid, and needy that he/she would never expect his/her children to fundamentally give up their own happiness to constantly tend to their unhappiness.
I plan to make it clear to my 2 children that they can just do the best by me that the can and then just let it go; I'll stew in my own juice until I'm ready to go and I want them to know it's NOT THEIR PROBLEM to make me happy.
Oh my.
And the retention of one's marbles, which is something I haven't figured out how to plan for, being childless (the assumption is that children will be most invested in caring for you when you can't think for yourself, or care to employ the plan set up when one could still think).
ReplyDeleteVery interesting topic, and good to read the commenters views on this too.