Ruminations

Insomnia keeps a tight grip on me. Last night every time I closed my eyes to settle down and relax with the comforter pulled up around my shoulders and my head on the pillow, the dreaded thoughts would begin their relentless attack on my peace. This, even after having taken something to help me rest tells me these thoughts are quite powerful just now and unwilling to surrender to chemicals that would like to lure me into a quiet place of restoration. Eventually I drifted away only to awaken at the dreaded 2:30 AM hour to thrash about twisting this way and that in the bed, trying not to look at the clock and trying not to dwell on the fact that a full day at work was my next responsibility. The thoughts were right there to greet me again, glad to see me back, and engaging me in endless rumination. Finally in the hour before dawn, trying anything to make sleep happen, I fell into dreams echoing the internal sound of "Om" said over and over again. The alarm went off at 6:30 and jostled awake, it was time for strong coffee and sheer grit.

Now it is nearly 8 PM. I'm sleepy, having navigated my day with relative ease. I'm wondering if I can turn off the thoughts when I turn out the light. We shall see. I don't like these thoughts for they come from a place that simply cannot nor will not surrender and accept "that which is". I yearn for such surrender but am fighting against it with a tenacious will. I don't lack for insight; I lack for a plan of action that will work.

Good Night.