BIB # 710

#710.

That's my race number for the Seattle Danskin Triathlon this Sunday the 17th. The last minute informational emails have been flying into my in-box all this week and they've been ignored (but not deleted), except for the one with the bib number. I had to check the link to find my number for the race, the race that I'm not entering.

Damnation, (other words are better) but I'm a mess of emotion about this. I talked (by email of course) to a friend yesterday who I cajoled into signing up with me, way last February. We were going to train some together and I planned to impart my newbie wisdom from last year to someone who was just beginning the process. She elected months ago to back out; her own good reasons and I don't think she's looked back once (at least not from the tone of her email). Her life is full, the chlorine from pool water a non-issue, perhaps a few extra pounds for the lack of a more intense exercise routine but hey, "no big deal". I wish this were the case with me.

I've been advised to "let it go" more than once. That's like telling me to back away from the morning cup of coffee, the chocolate cake, or my night time dose of vitamin C (separate post). It ain't happenin' folks; I'm going to have to live through this weekend and beat myself up a bit more. I could have done this race; it probably would have diverted my attention in a healthy direction, away from the things that are not fixable and on to building up the body and soul of someone who needs to pay more attention to herself. I interpreted my frustration and exhaustion at the critical time when training needed to ramp up as a signal to back off, to allow myself space from a punishing work-family-training schedule. I elected to eliminate the thing in my life that seemed at the time to be causing me angst. Hindsight they say is 20:20.

If there is one ray of positivity in all this mess, it's the knowledge that my good friend MBJ; my cross country, email only, nearest and dearest college friend, wedding party member (both ways: hers and mine), was motivated by my Triathlon experience last year and whooped some ass at the New England Danskin event in late July 2008. I'm awed by the knowledge that she went from couch to star through sheer grit and determination; swimming, pedaling, and running her way across that finish line in a time that mid-life participants only dream of accomplishing. I've told her already but I don't know that she really understands how proud I am of what she accomplished, not just on race day but on all those other days when training seemed an exercise in futility, exhaustion, and frustration. Pay off is sweet.

We all know deep down that it's not about the race times, it's about the race; the collective mass of women of all abilities, the myriad reasons why they choose to participate, the energy of the crowd, and the sweetness of belonging intimately to a larger whole. But, being the humans that we are, completing the race with amazing grace (sorry about that little rhyme) and a fantastic time to boot is nectar to the soul. I love that MBJ did this race! She may not realize this; but although BIB #710 may be disappointed mightily that she isn't out there this weekend to swim, bike, and run with other amazing women, she knows deep inside that what MBJ did for herself that Sunday in July, she also did for me. High Five, you kick ass woman! I love you mightily.