Living with Uncertainty

The fifteen or so years between my mid thirties and my 50th birthday were times blessed by relative predictability. My children were changing constantly but that's a given; our children grow from babies to toddlers to pre-schoolers and grade-schoolers and into their teenage years. Although D left his career to care for home and family during this time, my professional life moved forward as a constant, becoming more challenging to be sure, but nonetheless a reassuring backdrop to my life. The health of my parents was good, their aging years marked by relative vigor and independence. From year to year it was easy for me to look ahead to the future and feel confident of where and what I'd be doing twelve months from any point on the path.

Not so now. Not so for the last two years. Mid-September 2006 marked the moment of significant upheaval in my life as I left my job rather suddenly for a several month leave of absence. Although I knew that the increasing needs of elderly parents were part of the need to take a break from work, the larger issue was an overwhelming sense of being buried by my work, reaching the point where I had hit the wall going a hundred miles and hour and was lying in broken pieces. A crisis whose roots were long and hidden underground, ignored until there was no more ability to ignore; much like the lobster put in tepid water on the stove with the heat rising slowly, ever so slowly until...this was what it felt like at the time.

Within several days of taking leave from work, all hell broke loose with Dad's health. He was hospitalized for three weeks and in a nursing facility for another six weeks, breaking free just after Thanksgiving 2006 to return to his life at the retirement community. Were it not for the excellent care he received including a focus on nutrition and physical rehabilitation, I think he would have succumbed to this most vicious illness. During those tough months of illness and recovery, supporting Mom through the upheaval was the focus. The family all rallied; this was not a one person job. Despite the distance, my siblings and extended family were engaged in the moment to moment issues.

Since then, Mom and Dad have moved twice, each event an upheaval in their lives and in ours. Both of them have been hospitalized multiple times in the past two years. Mom broke her hip a year ago. Home physical therapy and visiting nurses, outpatient doctor's appointments, lab work, X rays, and other needs have been regular aspects of their ongoing care needs. Their frailty makes them vulnerable in unpredictable patterns. Life is uncertain. Every day is new.

My professional life has changed, now governed by needs; those belonging to me and those of the Clinic. We negotiate our respective needs every six months and sign a piece of paper that indicates we'll be linked for the next half year. This isn't exactly job security although I know they'd take me back in a heartbeat if I agreed to be the doctor I was two years ago, slogging full time into the future of Medicine. But, I know from a very deep place, that opting for job security would surely roast that unsuspecting lobster that's sitting in the tepid pot of water. My professional life follows an evolving path; I've discovered much about my relationship to Medicine in the 21st century. This is not what I would have predicted 25 years ago, freshly out of training but such is the nature of change. Life is uncertain. Every day is new.

D's life is on hold (aside from his voracious appetite for reading and preparing unbelievable gourmet quality meals) as he waits for the Bar Exam results in mid October. Where will he be professionally this time next year? Life is uncertain. Every day is new.

My children are twenty-somethings. Their lives are rich and rewarding. I'm proud of them both. Of all the questions swirling about, the trajectories of their lives remain optimistic and full of promise. My worries center less on where they will be this time next year and more on the day to day safety issues (the Mom in me), particularly for Miss Laura who adventures in Florence for her year of "study abroad". We want to visit her so badly but how to pick the time when uncertainty will calm down a little (probably not to be) is the challenge. We don't know if she'll be home for Christmas. We know little. Life is uncertain. Every day is new.

As for me, what do I want to do with my writing? I'm frustrated by my lack of insight and seeming inaction. But, as someone commented yesterday, there may not be obvious signs of progress but behind the scenes, much is accomplished. Quiet and imperceptible. Trust is weathering the uncertainty with grace. I'm certainly getting a lot of practice.

The trees are turning; this is reassuringly predictable.