Emotional Roller Coaster

Whoa....today has been a total ride on the proverbial emotional roller coaster. I don't know how to begin to post (effectively) about how my mind has taken me from incredible highs to deep lows all in the space of a day. What's with all this mood instability anyway? Is this like bipolar on methamphetamine? The bash and then the crash? WTF?

Driving into work today I was consumed with creative ideas (from BlogHer), inspired by a "go for it" attitude, and excited about the day. I was brainstorming (something I have not done in ages) how to incorporate blogging into the workplace (legitimately) and how to harness the voices of women (maybe men, too) in medicine. As soon as one idea came, another followed. Too bad I didn't write them all down. Like my dreams, they are evanescent and need to be scribbled on a napkin before they fade into the mental jello that makes up my brain most of the time. The high of this creative glow lasted most of the morning, even as I was seeing hospital and clinic patients. I was "on" in all regards.

By noon, I was getting a bit crabby. Hungry and tired, I fell into frustration mode with stuff that just kept coming at a pace that felt rushed. As usual, I don't take time to eat a decent lunch or even a short time out from the fray. Always bent on getting things done so I'm not behind, I wolfed down a sandwich and a couple of cookies, washed it down with a glass of water, all the while clicking on my desktop computer checking emails, answering the phone, listening to an annoying voice mail on my cell, and getting deeper and deeper into the grind. Yes, the grind.

Then, the afternoon brought two new patients to my clinic. Two sounds like nothing but as we say in medicine; it's never the number of patients, it's what they bring with them. The heartburn (mine) getting worse and worse, the inefficiencies of the encounters (a translator for one and complete lack of records for another who had come all the way from Alaska) and the typical mid afternoon slump made the fixings for my favorite body recipe at the end of a long Monday: H.D.M. By the time I looked at my watch it was 5 PM, my work (fairly) wrapped up and time to go on to the next step; visiting Mom and Dad after being away (for BlogHer) for four and a half days (count 'em). The creativity index by this time was subzero having long since plummeted into a deep ravine.

Mom and Dad were so glad to see me; just finishing up their dinner when I arrived around 5:30, they both practically shouted out in unison when they spied me coming through the door, "There's our daughter!". It was like they were introducing me to everyone else at the table as if I was the long lost relative who hadn't been around in decades. I was touched but it grated on me too. I was told several times this evening that I was sorely missed and that "it was like not having my right leg with you not here". Oy.

Cognitive challenges are growing for Mom. I can't begin to explain out of respect for her privacy. Dad can't hear. They both speak so softly that their association is mostly limited to visual cues that the other is present. They don't "chat" anymore; can't make it happen. I sat in the room with them tonight and felt like 2o pound weights were strapped to my arms and shoulders. A headache was in full force (not a migraine, the kind a couple of aspirin will banish). I could barely get off the chair and to my car without conscious effort and knowledge that I was heading home where an open window would bring breeze and a lengthy twilight.

I arrived to find Laura in a frenzy to take off with friends for dinner and who knows what else. She has yet to acknowledge my return from San Francisco with more than a text message and our face to face tonight was just a stare down between a very lovely, tanned, young face and a worn out blob. I dare not ask any details of "who, what, when and where" these days. Apparently, I don't have rights to this information anymore. Yes, this makes me mad.

The house was very quiet once she cleared out. Denny departed earlier in the day to spend the the next three nights in a hotel in Bellevue; the Bar Exam starts tomorrow and goes through Thursday. Those who sit for the exam are encouraged to stay at a local hotel and not risk traffic and delays getting from Seattle across Lake Washington. Apparently there is no slack if you're late. Oy. He's setting about three alarm clocks tonight and asked me to call him between 6 and 6:30 AM if I happen to be up. I wish him well; he has put in 14 hour days studying starting the day after his graduation on June 15. He'll be the happiest one of us when this hurdle is past but I'm next. It's been hard, hard as F. Law school is way harder than Med school. I promise.

As for me, I'm calming down a bit now and hoping to put behind me the dramatic seesaw of the day. I really prefer days that are more monotone, even when they are dreary. The ups and downs and sudden switches leave me raggedy. I certainly enjoyed my creative high earlier today; maybe it'll reappear. Those were some damn good ideas I had.