Resistance vs Acceptance

What's to be done for one very unhappy loved one who doesn't like her new living situation? She is not yet 2 weeks into residence at the AFH (adult family home) so adjustments are naturally still taking place. The staff is new, the food is different, the mealtimes are later than at Crista (12:30 PM and 6 PM instead of 11:30 AM and 4:30 PM), the routines with bathing, dressing, and personal care have changed; everything is NEW. I get that and acknowledge that this would be hard for anyone but clearly more stressful on an older person who relies on structure and predictability (much like the very young) to navigate the days successfully. Add in some sleepless nights and short term memory issues and you've got a great recipe for misery.

It matters little that there are birds flocking to the seed and suet feeders in the enclosed back yard. It matters little that there is a great view of Mount Rainier and the Space Needle from the back deck on clear days. It matters little that this is a bright and sunny home with a kitchen, dining room, family room, porch with comfortable chairs, deck, and gardens. All these extras, we thought, would carry some weight and bring a kernel or two of joy into her days. Perhaps the time for joy has passed.

Few of us, I suspect, are ready to accept the reality of our lives when they are punctuated by irreparable physical and mental decline. Natural resistance to "what is" would seem the norm. Yet there are those who accept, if not embrace the (negative) changes that come their way. Dad may be in acceptance mode; I don't think he's happy about what has happened to him over the last few years but he doesn't fight it either. It just "is". But he worries about Mom's unhappiness (his word) and her unwillingness to surrender (my phrase) to the situation.

I wonder if, with time, this unhappiness will temper. I won't hold my breath. A common response to my question, "Can I do anything for you?" is met with the same answer, "Get me out of here". She told me today that she "loved Crista" and is sorry she left. This is a predictable response in one whose happiness is always found in retrospect. The past, because it is time lived, can be critiqued and labeled safe, good, or even fun. The now and particularly the future are where demons reside, lying in wait to make their mischief, day and night. I pray that if she can't find joy or happiness in this new place that she can at least find some peace, even just a little.

** Since writing this post on Wednesday (I write ahead), I've learned that Mom had a wonderful outing with caregiver Catie this afternoon. Not only did she have her hair cut, washed and styled but they went to Tullys for coffee, walked into the bookstore, and then "drove around" Magnolia for quite a while, just looking at the sights. The afternoon was apparently just what the doctor ordered. I'm glad that Catie is on board to enrich Mom's afternoons three times a week. If the home front is a mess, at least the outings are fun.